Thoughts in walking meditation:
I stood at point “A” walking towards my visualization at point “B”. In my visualization, I was kneeling on the tile floor. My knees, sore from the cold hard tile. I had one hand on the toilet seat and a toothbrush in the other. With watery eyes and a determined mind, I stuck the handle of the toothbrush just far enough down my throat so I would gage. And up my dinner would come. I couldn’t use my finger. I might leave scares from my teeth on my knuckles; then my family would know I was purging again. My mind disassociated from the feelings of my body, yet satisfied I had managed to purge at least ¾ of my dinner. In my walking meditation, I walk towards the image of myself vomiting, feeling all of the inner body sensations that would arise. As I walk towards her, and stand over her seeing the pain in her face and the fear in her knuckles as she gripped the toothbrush. The numbness in her eyes as she looked into her own face in the mirror after the act of purging. The regret as she left the bathroom as if nothing had happened. I wanted to reach out and help her. Not to tell her that she was beautiful and that she should stop this, but help her find a new way to express herself. Allow her to realize she had other ways of processing the fluctuations of life. I wanted to whisper in her ear your darkest, loneliest patterns are what connects you to the human experience. They are a messenger guiding you home to your authentic ground of being. Your truth is huge, potent and divine you can’t pretend to “keep it down any longer” that isn’t even working physically or metaphorically. You purge more than once a day, because you aren’t sure how to get rid of things you don’t need, emotions that aren’t yours and a life that you don’t want, not because your nature is inherently flawed. I turned my back to her and walked back to point “A” only to repeat this walking meditation for hours on end.
We all have layers of idiosyncrasies that create patterned thinking and behavior, and I am no different. As a Cancer Pisces with a lot of water and fire in my astrological birth chart, my spiritual constitution this time around is ruled by emotion. Which was a difficult truth to realize in my younger years. Most of my behavior could be categorized as extreme by normal social standards. I found meditation and yoga as a teenager and followed it around the world. Studying Eastern Philosophy in college and traveling overseas to live in ashrams and spiritual centers for months on end.
When you first step on the path of contemplation and meditative practices the journey resembles a “self-help” journey. You begin to see yourself in an alternate light and if willing face uncomfortable truths about yourself. Some surface level and quite easy to change. Others feel like deep karmic wounds on the soul. No matter the gravity of the mental pattern, or unconscious perspective meditation taught me to take full and complete self-responsibility for the totality of my life, energy and actions.
I waged peace in my mind. Imagine it like this, a young child is so angry and throwing a temper tantrum and the loving parent waits for the emotion to settle and then hugs the anger out of the child. Once the child feels support and unconditional love it stops frantically pushing back and breaks down into tears in the parent’s arms. I did this for myself year after year after year, sit after sit after sit. Until old immature, disharmonious patterns began to break down and leave my field. I now see my emotional consciousness as an indestructible tool to stay in deep contact with. I have deeply listened to all of my personality aspects for years, and I can sort through my own processing mechanisms so quickly now I can drop them on a dime, in order to hear the energy movement of another or my surroundings. Often my students will make remarks like…”How did you know that? Are you in my mind with me?” My ego giggles a bit and thinks “No, I just know every corner of mine and once you know the depths of suffering you can feel them anywhere in anyone.
Our current mental health paradigm categories and diagnosis “problems” with the mental continuum, measured on a scale that has a rather low perception of human normality. Meditation, Buddhism and Kundalini have allowed me to gather empirical data of what it means to expand the human consciousness and perceive the upper end of the mental health spectrum. The mind is the most complex entity on earth, therefore I decided to approach it with respect. Not with distaste and wishing for it to be different or more obedient.
Over years of practice I strengthened all my subtle systems to be handle the massive amounts of energy, emotions, thoughts, visions I have access to hearing on a regular basis. I established a new baseline of what harmony feels like in my body/mind and I know the deepest sensations in that space. Teaching yoga or meditation was never on the agenda for me, I was a rigorous seeker for about a decade before I really began sharing the practice through actions and voice.
Meditation continues to allow me to witness the currents of my every changing life and collaborate with universal flow. I am currently in a connected and fruitful relationship with a spiritual teacher of my own. I am also teacher to many in community and in 1 on 1 settings.
When something penetrates you so deeply, it invites you to ask paradigm shifting questions daily. Are my actions contributing to the paradigm shift of the Aquarian age, here and now?
JENNY GRIFFITH's Words: How Meditation Changed My Life!
When I think about how I was before I started meditating 7 years ago, I would say the word would be oblivious. Maybe I can resonate with the phrase- ignorance is bliss?
My segway into meditation was definitely practicing yoga. Meeting like minded individuals who wanted to meditate on the path with me. Then it was reading about the subject, practicing, taking courses, and continuing my search into types of meditations.
It changed my life, beginning with my relationships.
Since I’ve been sitting my relationships and daily interactions are all around better. I am real with people. My conversations have deep meaningful and are not about silly selfish matters. The positivity in my conversations has doubled. I find myself complaining less because I am more equanimous to the outcomes of situations. I care more about real subjects and the quality of my relationships has surpassed the superficial and found new depths.
The discipline of daily sitting has helped me structure myself in other activities and daily routine. The consistency of observing the movie clips playing in my head helps me organize; and increases the efficiency of my time management skills. I make time for all self care activities that arises out of discipline.. A daily routine of meditation, prayer, checking in with my dreams, and exercise I believe is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself as a human that wants to live a long life and serve others. The value of this sadhana (self care routine) is priceless. The effects I’ve received from this discipline has seeped into my relationships, career, finances, service, health, and purpose. Setting the tone for the day reminds me throughout the day what matters most. I don’t get wrapped up in small issues because I am deeply connected to my driving force. Sadhana connects me to that deep driving force.
In the past I have had a hard time concentrating. I like to multitask and make use of my time by constantly doing. I am always filling up my schedule and planning things to do. I am thinking ahead a lot of the time. Sometimes it's hard for me to relax because I always want to be creating and bettering myself. This is even after 7 years of meditation. I can’t imagine what I would be like if I hadn’t been sitting all that time. I would be a bouncy ball lunatic perhaps; doing more and not realizing that I need to stop and slow down. With meditation you begin to realize and notice yourself when your doing something that might not serve you. Even if you don’t stop the behavior, you still noticed it and are more prone to changing the behavior time after time instead of being on autopilot all the time.
I believe that meditation has helped me hold the hand of uncertainty. I trust that the future will be graced upon me and the suffering that I go through will bring enlightenment and peace. I’ve also found that clinging to outcomes will lead to disappointment. I am open to possibilities and have faith that the universe truly wants for me what I desire. It may not happen the way I want it to but in time my life unravels like the pure truth of nature. It is our choice to notice the sparkling seas and the sun on our face in the midst of troubles. Since I’ve made the time to sit, I can notice the beauty and happiness within on the daily and even by the minute.
- Jenny Griffith
Cincinnati, Ohio Workshops with Susan Ashley Hunt October 20-21st